My proposed Ancient Aliens Christmas Episode

Ancient Aliens: Christmas Episode.

Intro / Tease:

Beloved by children all over the world, the legend of Santa Claus has become an integral part of the Christmas season. But like all legends, this legend has to have been based on fact (on this show at least, all legends are based in fact, including the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, whose ALIEN origins will be explored in Season 3). And could this very wise and ancient being that telepathically can read whether children were good or bad and travel around the earth at supersonic speeds, have actually been....an ALIEN? Find out tonight on Ancient Aliens.


Script:

The legend of Santa Claus, so well known to all of us, actually began in medieval Germany. Curiously Nuremberg is in Germany, and Nuremberg was the site of the famous woodcut from 1562 that shows x's and circles and smoke in the sky, thus providing CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE on our show that extra terrestrials have visited us, as we demonstrated in Episode 7. If you recall from Episode 7, this woodcut could only mean that these super advanced beings were engaged in a 1980's Atari 2600-style aerial dog-fight over the town of Nuremberg, which, again is in Germany, which is where Santa Claus comes from! The alien spacecraft conclusively depicted in the 16th Century woodcut were no doubt fighting over which ships, the x's or the circles, had dibs on abducting the local population to create alien-human hybrids, as we have proved conclusively happens constantly on this very show. So was there a connection between the conclusive evidence of the Nuremberg Woodcut and Santa Claus' alien origins? To find out, we look back at the origins of the Santa Claus legends.

Santa Claus was based on St. Nicholas, a saint said "by some" to possesses "miraculous powers." But were these powers really "miraculous," or could they be from ALIENS? [spooky music and an artist depiction of St. Nicholas as a grey ET with big eyes]

To find out, we asked Dewey Cheatem, honorary professor emeritus of the Lakewood Correspondence Bible College in Lakeland, Florida.

Prof. Cheatem: It is said in the legends that St. Nicholas received his power "from the heavens," which clearly is a reference to his being an ALIEN.

According to the venerated and ancient story, Santa Claus maintains a base in the North Pole. In Episode 6, we reported that the North Pole is a site of frequently reported strange lights, which means it is home to ALIEN UFO BASES, thus providing a crucial link to the Santa Claus ET story.

But what otherworldly method of propulsion drives Santa Clause in his trans-orbital voyages? Could reindeer really be a metaphor for ALIEN technology? We asked the foremost (and only, since it is a made-up title) Forensic Mythologist, Ivana Reeljab:

Ms. Reeljab: The Laplanders who inhabit the Arctic region of Europe believe that their reindeer were a gift from "the gods," [cue spooky music and show depictions of ancient gods in the clouds] who occupied a celestial realm in their mythology. From this it is clear that ALIENS from the Pleiades, through genetic manipulation, created reindeer, which is a metaphor for the sleigh propulsion system used by the aliens.

Clearly ALIENS would not fly around the world in a sleigh!!! It is obvious to all of us here monitoring the advertising revenues from this show that the sleigh of legend is an ALIEN SPACECRAFT and when the alien spacecraft was spotted from below, its blur looked to the peoples of Northern Europe like a bunch of reindeer attached to a sleigh. Indeed, if you need further proof, Rudolph had a RED, BLINKING NOSE! No mammals have this feature, thus it could only be ALIEN technology.

It has also been well proven and established on this very show that aliens have the means to telepathically communicate and read minds of humans (see every single Episode ever made). Thus, we have discovered the origin of legend of Santa Claus knowing that children are good and bad. The bit about his list that he checks twice must be discounted as mere folklore, as we know aliens would not need to keep actual written lists, and certainly would not have to check them twice. Geez, we are talking about ALIENS here, how could anyone be naive enough to think they would keep written lists.

But was Santa really distributing gifts to boys and girls? Honorary Professor Cheatem does not think so.

Prof. Cheatem: Santa Claus, this strange intergalactic being who wears red and white, which are colors closely associated with the Andromeda galaxy, was actually implanting children with microchips used for research and later sperm and egg collecting purposes. As we all know by now, the aliens are creating a hybrid race to work in their underground bullonian mines. [cue spooky music and show artist conception of the bullonian mines].

There is controversy about Professor Cheatem's bullonian mine alien-hybrid Santa Claus theory, however. We always show both sides of every theory with countervailing view points from different experts on this show, and the guy with crazy hair we always interview actually disagrees!

Guy with Crazy Hair: I respectfully disagree with Professor Cheatem's conclusions. While it is, of course, a given that the "Santa Claus" alien was taking sperm and eggs from children as they slept (notice that he snuck in through the chimney- only an alien could get on the roof!), clearly these hybrids were Santa's Elves forced into slavery for their alien masters. I mean, just look at how those elves look in the Rudolph clay-mation Christmas special. They look like ALIENS.

Finally, the fact that Santa could go around the whole world in one night proves conclusively that he could not be human, according to a NASA Scientist.

NASA Scientist: No known technology today could propel anyone around the world to visit every house on earth in a single night. Of that I am sure [Cue spooky music]

Guy with Crazy Hair: There you have it, a NASA scientist confirming that Santa Claus is an ALIEN!

Outro

Next week, we will explore how the ancient Nubians constructed the Grand Cooley Dam using ALIEN technology.

Aqua Golf - A not-so-hidden hidden gem

One of my favorite "date" spots, which is also great for family fun, is Aqua Golf, located in the Hollywood area (technically Pembroke Park), which is located just west of I-95 in between the Hallandale Beach Blvd. and Pembroke Road exits.

http://www.aquagolfrange.com/

After the movie There's Something About Mary was released, a lot of curious South Floridians wanted to know where the famous Matt Dillon / Cameron Diaz scene on the driving range was filmed...and they found it at Aqua Golf.